Boundaries

I am going to keep my notes on the book "Making Dating Work Boundaries In Dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend here (I write a lot of the stuff down.. verbatim out of the book.. so these are their words):

Chapter 1 Why Boundaries In Dating:
Many of the struggles people experience in dating relationships are, at heart, caused by some problem in the areas of freedom and responsibility.

FREEDOM: ability to make choices based on your values rather than choosing out of fear or guilt.

• Free people make commitments because they feel it's the right thing to do, and they are wholehearted about it.

RESPONSIBILITY: ability to execute your tasks in keeping the relationship healthy and loving, as well as being able to say no to things you shouldn't be responsible for.

• Responsible people shoulder their part of the dating relationship, but they don't tolerate harmful or inappropriate behavior.

Freedom and responsibility are necessary for love to develop in dating. Freedom and responsibility create a safe and secure environment for a couple to love, trust, explore, and deepen their experience of each other. Actually, these two elements are necessary for ANY successful relationship, not just dating.

• God designed love so that there can be no fear (loss of freedom) in love, for perfect love casts out fear (I John 4:18). We are to speak the truth in love to each other (Ephesians 4:15), taking responsibility to protect love by confronting problems.

Establishing & keeping good limits can do a great deal to not only cure a bad relationship, but make a good one better.

BOUNDARY: simply put, a boundary is a property line. A personal boundary distinguishes what is your emotional or personal property, and what belongs to someone else. You can't see your own boundary. However, you can tell it is there when someone crosses it. When another person tries to control you, tries to get too close to you, or asks you to do something you don't think is right, you should feel some sense of protest. Your boundary has been crossed.

Boundaries serve two important functions:

1. The DEFINE us. They show what we are and are not; what we agree and disagree with; what we love and hate. Dating goes much better when your boundaries are defined. When you are clear about your values, preferences, and morals, you solve many problems before they start.
2. The PROTECT us. They keep good things in, and bad things out. When we don't have clear limits, we can expose ourselves to unhealthy and destructive influences and people. Boundaries protect by letting others know what you will and will not tolerate.

Examples of Boundaries:

• Words: telling someone no and being honest about your disagreement
• The truth: bringing reality to a problem
• Distance: allowing time or physical space between two people to protect or as a consequence for irresponsible behavior.
• Other people: using supportive friends to help keep a limit
  

Sometimes you will use these boundaries to simply let your date know your heart: "I am sensitive and wanted you to know that, so that we can be aware that I might get hurt easily." At other times, you may need to use boundaries to confront a problem and protect yourself or the relationship: "I will not go as far as you want sexually, and if you continue pushing, I will not see you again." Either way, boundaries give you freedom and choices.

Boundaries protect your property, and in dating, your property is your own soul. Here are some of the contents of your self that boundaries define and protect:

• Your love: your deepest capacity to connect and trust
• Your emotions: your need to own your feelings and not be controlled by someone else's feelings
• Your values: your need to have your life reflect what you care about most deeply
• Your behaviors: your control over how you act in your dating relationship
• Your attitude: your stances and opinions about yourself and your date

You and only you are responsible for what is inside your boundaries. If someone else is controlling your love, emotions, or values, they are not the problem. Your inability to set limits on their control is the problem. Boundaries are the key to keeping your very soul safe, protected and growing.

*Just remember that you are not being mean when you say no. Instead you may be saving yourself or even the relationship from harm.

How Boundary Problems Show Themselves:

• Loss of Freedom to be Oneself - Sometimes one person will give up her identity & lifestyle to keep a relationship together. Then, when her true feelings emerge, the other person doesn't like who she really is, having never been exposed to her real self.
• Being with the Wrong Person - When our boundaries are unclear or undeveloped, we run the risk of allowing people inside who shouldn't be there.
• Dating from Inner Hurt Rather than Our Values - People with poor boundaries have some soul-work to do, and they unknowingly attempt to work it out in dating. Instead of picking people because of their values, they react to their inner struggles and choose in some devastating ways.
• Not Dating - Boundary conflicts, when people withdraw to avoid hurt and risk, and end up empty-handed.
• Doing Too Much in the Relationship - Many people with boundary problems overstep their bounds and don't know when to stop giving of themselves. They will put their lives and hearts on hold for someone, only to find out that the other person was willing to take all that but never really wanted to deeply commit. Good boundaries help you to know how much to give, and when to stop giving.
• Freedom Without Responsibility - Freedom MUST always be accompanied by responsibility. When one person enjoys the freedom of dating, and takes on responsibility for himself, problems occur. Having His Cake and Eating it Too.
• Control Issues - More often than not, one person wants to get serious sooner than another. Sometimes, the more serious person attempts to rein in the other person by manipulation, guilt, domination, and intimidation. Love becomes secondary and control becomes primary.
• Not Taking Responsibility to Say No - "the nice guy" who allows disrespect and poor treatment by his date.. minimizes the reality that he is being mistreated, or simply hopes that one day she will stop. He disowns his responsibility to set a limit on bad things happening to him.
• Sexual Impropriety - Couples often avoid keeping appropriate physical limits. They either avoid taking responsibility for the issue or one person is the only one with the "brakes", or they ignore the deeper issues that are driving the activity.