Boundaries Chapter 4

If you do any of the following, then you may be giving up boundaries because of a fear of being alone:

• Putting up with behavior that is disrespectful
• Giving into things that are not in accord with your values
• Settling for less than you know you really desire or need
• Staying in a relationship that you know has passed its deadline
• Going back into a relationship that you know should be over
• Getting into a relationship that you know is not going anywhere
• Smothering the person you are dating with excessive needs or control

Surely there are other signs as well, but the point is, your dating is ruled by your internal solution, rather than by your God, goals, values, and spiritual commitments. Your aloneness makes you get involved in relationships that you know are not going to last. It also keeps you from being alone long enough to grow into a person who does not have to be in a relationship in order to be happy. There is a very important rule in dating and romance: To be happy in a relationship, and to pick the kind of relationship that is going to be the kind you desire, you must be able to be happy without one.

If you must be dating or married in order to be happy, you are dependent, and you will never be happy with whatever person you find. The dependency will keep you from being selective enough to find the kind of person who will be good for you, or will keep you from being able to fully relaize a relationship with a healthy person. If you are afraid of aloneness and abandonment, you cannot use the love of people who are truly there until you deal with your own fears.

So, aloneness must be cured first, and this is a good boundary for dating. Here is the boundary: In order to cure your fear of being alone, you need to put a boundary around your wish for a relationship. Cure that fear first, and THEN find a relationship.

How do you do that? First strengthen your relationship with God. Make him your first priority so that you are not trying to get God needs met by a relationship with a person.

Second, strengthen your relationship with safe, healthy Christians. Make sure you are not trying to get your people needs met by a dating relationship, or by God. Yes, you need God, but you also need people.

If you try to have a romantic relationship meet your needs for healing, it is not going to work. You need a support system to ground you so that you can make choices out of strength, not weakness or dependency.