Boundaries Chapter 2.. WOW

Chapter 2 Require and Embody Truth

Character Disorder - People who do not take ownership and responsibility for their lives.

Wow, page 35 says this:
As soon as there is any kind of deception, stop everything. If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way there is NO relationship. The whole thing is a FARCE, and you should not go any further in trying to help the person until you settle the issue of deception. There are NO other issues at that point except one. Trust is everything in a helping relationship, and when it is broken, it becomes the only issue to work on. Either fix that or end the relationship. Where there is deception there is no relationship.
Truthfulness is everything.

Lying and deception are just as destructive no matter what topic someone is lying about. The REAL problem is that when you are with someone who is deceptive you never know what reality is. You are not standing on firm ground, and the ground can shift at any moment. It makes you question EVERYTHING.

It is one thing to have loved and lost. It is another thing to have loved and been lied to.. (this has happened to me TOO Many times.. not just in romantic relationships.. but in everyday relationships.)

Everything written above has been helpful for me.. but not just on a dating level... it's important to realize those things for EVERY relationship.. or should I say LACK of relationship when the dishonesty is present.

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There is nothing wrong with dating someone, enjoying their company, and finding out where a relationship is going to go. (that's normal) But as soon as someone is sure that dating is not going where another person thinks or hopes that it is, that person has a responsibility to tell the other one clearly and honestly.

Deception About Being Friends:
There are those who are deceptive about their true intentions while they are acting like a friend. These are people who have a secret crush and do all sorts of things for someone. Oftentimes they go way out of their way to help or minister to someone, but all along the way, they have ulterior motives. Then when the "target" does not return the affection, they feel hurt and act like a victim, as if the target had done something horrible. All along the way, the target thought that they were "just friends."

There is nothing wrong with being friends and getting to know another person to see what kind of relationship you are going to have. Sometimes relationships that begin as friendships turn into more and are some of the best long-term relationships. But that is different than having clear designs on someone and deceiving them long-term while you have another agenda.

Certainly you don't have to lay all your cards on the table, but don't act like a friend that you are not. The best way to tell is to ask yourself, "What will happen if this does not end like I desire?" If you can honestly say that you will be very happy continuing to be friends and will love the person as a friend, then you are being honest. If you say, "if they do not want me back like I want them, I do not care about being 'friends' at all," then your friendship is a scam.

Deception About Who You Are:
It's important to remember that you will have a good relationship to the degree that you are able to be clear and honest about everything.

*That does not mean that you cannot die to your own wishes to please someone else. But it does mean that you are not afraid to be yourself. Otherwise, the person will think you are different than you are, and there will be trouble later. In addition, compliant people have a habit of attracting controlling, self-centered people anyway. So, be honest, have some differences, and enjoy the trip.

Deception About Facts:
There are people who tell lies about reality itself. When you catch someone [you are dating] in any kind of like, see that as a character issue that you should take as a very solemn warning. Lying about reality places your relationship on a very shaky foundation.

Deception About Hurt and Conflict:
One of the most important things that you can do in a dating relationship that is getting anywhere near serious is to be honest about hurt and conflict. If you are dating someone, and there is a problem in some way that he or she has treated you or some hurt that you have suffered, you must be honest.

1. Being honest resolves the hurt or conflict.
2. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a real, long-term, satisfactory relationship is possible.

If you are hurt in some way, bring it up. If you don't you are building a relationship on a false sense of security and closeness, and it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. A lot is lost in not finding out who the other person is and where the relationship could really go , if one or both people are not facing hurt and conflict directly. In reality, a conflict-free relationship is probably a shallow relationship.

Second, you need to find out if the person you are with is capable of dealing with conflict and hurt directly. The Bible and all relationship research is very clear on this issue: people who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work. You must find out NOW, before it's too late, if the person you are with is someone you can talk to.

Honesty over hurt and conflict creates intimacy, and it also divides people into the wise and the foolish. What the person you are dating does you can not control. But you *can* decide what kind of person you are going to be, and as a result, you will also be deciding what kind of person you are going to be with.

Two Types of Liars:

1. Liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflicts or loss of love and other fears. (They are the ones who lie when it would be a lot easier to tell the truth. They want to be honest, but for one reason or another, can't quite pull it off. They fear the other person's anger or loss of love.) They are not really dangerous, evil characters, and sometimes when they find someone safe, they learn to tell the truth.
2. Liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. (There is no fear or defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.)

Just because a person is lying out of fear (Type 1) does not make it acceptable, and serious devastation can occur even with fearful liars. No matter what the reason, lying destroys. By and large, the best policy is to stay away from those who lie for any reason. It is often to risky to get involved with even the fearful liar. If the person gets better (through counseling, recovery, discipleship etc), and comes back repentant, that is one thing, but you should NOT think that you are going to be the one who changes him or her if defensive lying is an ongoing pattern. Do NOT go on to other issues until the lying is solved.

RUN RUN RUN from Type 2 Liars.

Truth: The Essential Boundary:

You should have an ABSOLUTE Zero-Tolerance policy when it comes to deception. Lying should have NO PLACE in your life. King David's tough stance on lying: "No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence" (Psalm 101:7).

DO NOT TOLERATE LYING, PERIOD. That does not mean that if you are lied to once or deceived once that the relationship has to be over. Probably every human being is growing in his or her ability to be direct and completely vulnerable with feelings and deeper things of the heart. People grow in that ability, and sometimes a dating relationship is one of the places where that happens. But don't tolerate deception or lying when it happens. If your partner is not clear about feelings, thoughts or some other indirect communication, demand it. Don't let it go. Make a rule, "I have to be with someone who is honest with me about what they are thinking and feeling."

The other areas are more dangerous, however. If you are two-timed, lied to about facts, with a substance abuser in denial, or otherwise deceived, we caution you about going forward. You need to be very careful and have a very good reason for continuing on. Many times lying like this is indicative of a serious character problem that does not change without major hurt for many people along the way. You do not want to be one of those.

If someone goes through a deep spiritual conversion, and sustains it for a significant amount of time, then you might consider trusting again. But remember, lying is one of the most dangerous of all character problems, and without a significant reason for you to believe that change has happened, you are asking for trouble. Do not tolerate it.

If you are lied to:

1. Confront it
2. Hear the response & see how much ownership & sorrow there is for the lying.
3. Try to figure out what the lying means in the relationship. If the person is afraid, guilty, or fears loss of love by you, then work on that dynamic and try to determine if the character issue is changing with more safety. But be careful.
4. Look at the level of repentance and change. How significantly is the person pursing holiness and purity? How internally motivated is he or she to get better?
5. Is the change being sustained? Make sure you give it enough time. Just hearing "I'm sorry" is not good enough.
6. Look a the kind of lying it was. Was it to protect himself, or just to serve selfish ends? If it is the latter, face reality squarely that you are with a person who loves himself more than the truth and face what that means. If the former, think long and hard and have a good reason to continue.

Be a person of the light, and people of the light will be drawn to you, and people of the darkness will not be able to tolerate the truth you embody. If you are an honest person, you will more likely end up with an honest person. If you deceive yourself or others, deceivers will be drawn to you. Be light and attract light. That is the best boundary of all.