Accountability

Someone asked me today to be their accountability partner. I said yes, but I am scared. I am afraid that I will fail them. I am sure that I will.. we do that as humans.. humans will fail each other. Lord, I am asking you to help me be the person who you want me to be. I ask that you help me to know what you want me to say to help her when she needs help.. and how to love on her in every instance. I prayed to you JUST this past Thursday and asked you to show me how to be a servant for you, and then you provided this opportunity for me.. that very night. I think that is awesome, and I thank you for that. Yesterday was a day of work that was done for YOU.. and I am so excited about that. I just want to please you Lord!

Help me to speak for you...Lord go before me in my actions and words.

Amen

Awareness please

Lord, Please give me an awareness of what you want me to be learning in this very painful situation. I want to be aware of your presense and your requests and your answers and just of YOU. Help me oh Lord.

xoxo
your little girl
H

Daily Strength for yesterday and today

Daily Strength for Day 21
O God...hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:6,8
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5


Daily Strength for Day 22
Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. Psalm 16:1
The Lord watches over you--the Lord is your shade at your right hand. The Lord will keep you from all harm -- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121:5-8
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him. Psalm 28:7

Prayer from Bible.com to remove Grief/Sorrow

Father God, Thank You for always being there for me no matter what I face. I know You will never fail me, even in my most intense trials. I have not always understood why I was going through certain things; however, I do not have to understand, because You are God and You are in control, in spite of my lack of understanding. I know that all You require of me is to trust You, and look to You in faith and You will come and save me, and bring me an answer. You always have, and You always will, because you are faithful. You never fail any of us who look to You. I have failed You, Lord, by my doubt and unbelief at times, but You have never failed me. Lord, please remove all the sorrow and grief I feel. Heal this pain I feel in my heart and help me to trust You more. Fill this empty place in my heart with more of Your Spirit. I ask this in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen

(written by Betty Miller at bible.com)

Psalm 6 the message

1Please, GOD, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed.
2Treat me nice for a change;
I'm so starved for affection.
Can't you see I'm black and blue,
beat up badly in bones 3and soul?
GOD, how long will it take
for you to let up?

4Break in, GOD, and break up this fight;
if you love me at all, get me out of here.
5I'm no good to you dead, am I?
I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb!

6I'm tired of all this--so tired. My bed
has been floating forty days and nights
On the flood of my tears.
My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.
7The sockets of my eyes are black holes;
nearly blind, I squint and grope.

8Get out of here, you Devil's crew:
at last GOD has heard my sobs.
9My requests have all been granted,
my prayers are answered.

10Cowards, my enemies disappear.
Disgraced, they turn tail and run.

Blessed

Though i walk through the valley.. I can't seem to find the verse right now.. so if anyone knows it.. feel free to comment.. but anyway, I am walking THROUGH it. Having a tough time of it. However, I am so blessed by my friends. Aly, Ellen, Yvonne, Steve, Kim.. Dennis for your "lovin", Anne - for speaking into my life - and for those whom i have forgotten this very moment, thank you.

Aly, thank you for always reminding me to "TURN IT OVER" - I need reminded constantly.. and you are doing that. ;)

Phil 4:6 Msg: Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.

NLT: 6Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Encouragement from a friend

I was iming with a friend of mine, and something she said just was a source of encouragement for me.. so I wanted to make sure I remember it. - Thanks Kim.

"God has such incredible plans for your life. He really is making you into a beacon for Him. It's like you will be this light that stands out that He is going to use to draw people to Himself."

This Rant is brought to you by the letter I for Idiots!

Ok.. so I have had my profile up on a couple sites. I FILL in my profile, at least basics. Then i get these IDIOTS who "wink" at me or "express interest" in me etc. So, I think, "Ok, I will go and read their profile, and see what they are all about." (here's where the rant comes in) However, when I go to check their profile, there is NOTHING there.. other than the fact that they are male.. and maybe an age or something. I get SO FREAKING irritated. It's like if you want me to check you out.. then could you please FILL IN YOUR FREAKING PROFILE??????? It just doesnt make sense to me. Why even have a profile and "express interest" in people if you arent going to fill it in.

/end rant.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

What a week. It's been interesting so far. Disappointments, Anger, grief, JOY, excitement, anxiety, frustration, thankfulness, love, amusement, exhaustion, apprehensiveness..those are just some of the feelings i have had this week so far. I've been busy! lol ;) This weekend is the Young Adults Conference being held at my church. Janie is coming in for the event (well for the Saturday portion). I am very excited to see her! What a blessing she is to me.. I am so thankful that our paths crossed via the world wide web about 4 years ago.

While I think of it, Lord, please watch over the group of missionaries headed to Africa. Bless their trip, and their planes, and all types of transportation while they are there. Make ways for them to share your love with the people who don't know you Lord. I can't wait to hear the storeis of what wonderful things they have done in your name while they are there. - Amen.

Lord, also watch over and bless my friends and enemies. You know my heart and my heart's desires Lord. Again, I ask that you guide me and mold me in your image. Sometimes, I feel as though i am only surviving moment by moment, and I guess that is enough...but is it what you want for me? Help me to get to the point where you want me to be....or at least headed in that direction. As I go about the rest of this week... I ask for a sense of calmness to be present. I have been way to anxious lately.. and I ask you to just help me to remain less anxious and calm.

In Jesus, precious name I pray,
Amen.

Tickle tests http://web.tickle.com/

Tickle's Original Inkblot Test
Reveal Your Subconscious Mind
Heather, your subconscious mind is driven most by Kindness

You have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You are preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you may realize on a conscious level. This makes you unusually empathetic and very sensitive to other people's feelings. Your kind nature makes you an optimist at heart and allows you to see the best in the people around you. Because you're not judgmental, others seek you out when they need a friend. Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

__________________________________

The Influence of Birth Order
Discover How It Affects Your Personality
Heather, your position as eldest child shows most strongly in your liberal sexual views.

Similar to other eldest children, you are likely a natural performer. You probably enjoy being the center of attention while also being in touch with the needs of those around you. You don't get so lost in yourself that you aren't aware of others. This combination of an inner and outward focus makes you a dynamic sexual partner. When it comes to intimate sexual relationships, you probably like to be adventurous and are open to going beyond basic kinds of sex.
Birth order influences your relationship with your parents, siblings (if you have them) and how you ultimately learn to interact with the world. It can provide an insightful way to better understand your approach to friendships, romance, and how you meet life's challenges.

______________________________________

Heather, you need a date with Kyan

Most people call him the hot one, but we know that Kyan Douglas really stands out as the spiritual center of the bunch. Like him, you probably know your way around a makeup counter or salon. But you also know that beauty's only skin deep. Mud masks and seaweed wraps? Sure, they're nice. But what's most important is taking care of both the inside and the outside — both your body and mind.A big believer in figuring out what you want, then going after it, you know that it's important to take time out for yourself and find ways to relax and rejuvenate. And your uplifting spirit means that you encourage others to come along for the ride. So go on, take Kyan's advice and be good to yourself — you're not the only one who will benefit.

__________________________________

Boundaries Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - Take God On A Date:

Reading into words what you want to hear

You get connected to someone you are really drawn to, and you hope against hope that God is a part of his life and of the life of the relationship. And sometimes your hope bends the realities of the situation. We desire God, and we desire a person. And we sometimes don't know if the desires are working together or not. It is difficult to know how to navigate through the spiritual dimension of dating. Questions arise such as:

• Is this the person God meant for me?
• Are we spiritually compatible?
• How do I bring God into the relationship the "right" way?
• How do we relate spiritually?
• What if we disagree spiritually?
• Am I in denial about the spiritual conflicts we might have?

Dating Right Side Up

The issue is not how to fit our spiritual life into our dating life; rather it is how to fit our dating life into our spiritual life. The right-side-up approach is to bring dating before God and ask for his guidance. After all, the One who designed emotional connections knows best how they are best conducted, in a way that is satisfying for us and glorifying to him.

idolatry

Though dating is a good thing, we can commit idolatry by demanding that dating bring us the love, fulfillment, or desire we want without allowing God to point the way. Dating brings up powerful emotions and needs, and so idolatry can become a reality. You may need to set boundaries on dating as an idol, to bring your life back around to God's way.

Don't depend on your date to give you a relationship with God, rather than owning the relationship with God for yourself.

Surrender is a first and necessary element of bringing dating in line with God. Surrender brings us into proper alignment with God, so that many other things can happen that will grow us up.

The Fruit of Your Dating Relationship

Does your dating relationship bring you closer to God, or push you further away? Important relationships rarely keep us in neutral spiritually. Ask yourself the following:

• Are you drawn to the transcendent God through that person?
• Do you have an alliance with the other person in your spiritual walks?
• Do you experience spiritual growth from interacting with that person?
• Does the other person challenge you spiritually, rather than you having to be the impetus?
• Is the spiritual connection based on reality? Is the person authentic as well as spiritual?
• Is the relationship a place of mutual vulnerability about weakness and sins?

What Needs to Grow?

As you become safer, you can share deeper parts of yourself, thereby growing closer to each other and to God. There are several aspects of your spiritual life that you will want to bring into the relationship: your faith story, values, struggles, spiritual autonomy, and friendships.

Faith Story: Find out the twists and turns of each other's spiritual history.

Values: Your values are the architecture of who you are. They are comprised of what you believe is most important in life, and how you conduct your life in accordance with these beliefs. Values are sometimes worth living and dying for, and are certainly worth dating and breaking up over. That is why opening up about your values is so critical. They will cover many aspects of your life, including:

• Theology
• Calling in life
• Relationships
• Job & career
• Finances
• Family
• Sex
• Social Issues

Forge your values our of what the Bible teaches. Make them part of your dating world. Ask questions and provide stances. Figure out which values are deal breakers and which are not. Remember not to get committed to someone who is incompatible in major areas, trusting that they will see the light and change.

Struggles: Failure, loss, and learning experiences are part of the life of faith. Spiritual life involves a great deal of hurt, confusion, and mistakes. So, to know a person's spiritual walk is also to know the times they stumbled in the darkness.

There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to put your best foot forward in a relationship by bringing your better self into the connection first. Knowing good things helps us tolerate knowing bad things later, as grace must precede truth. Also, prematurely opening up about your struggle can be a problem if you don't know how safe the other person is. But ultimately, if you don't know your date's spiritual struggles, you can't honestly say you know your date.

Here are some struggles people who are dating can talk about to each other:

• Periods of being unsure about God's care or existence
• Living life apart from God
• Spiritual adolescence, challenging everything you have been taught
• Times of self-absorption when you neglected your spiritual growth

If you are dating someone who says he has never faltered or doubted, something is wrong. Either he is in serious denial, or you need to wonder what he is doing with you! NO ONE grows without experiences of loss and failure.

Spiritual Autonomy: How do you and your date conduct your spiritual life? People who are trying to pull off a successful dating relationship need to know that the other person is spiritually autonomous. That is, he has his own walk with God that he pursues on a regular basis, regardless of his circumstances. This ensures that he does not look to you to provide his religious direction or motivation. He had something serious going on with God before he met you, and if you don't marry, he will continue on with God. Dating someone who has not owned his own spiritual walk is a big red flag.

Differences Can Promote Growth: Demanding that your date have exactly the same spiritual values as you could be a problem. Though the fundamentals of the Christian life are basic requirements, it is best to be in relationship with someone who has thought through his own spiritual issues deeply and individually, and has reached his own conclusions. To require the same values in ALL areas, large and small could indicate control issues perfectionism, or uncertainty in your own faith. Fall in love with someone who can take you on spiritually, and let the sparks fly! Some of the most meaningful times of growth for dates can be when they argue, read the Bible, and come to terms on spiritual matters.

Integration of Faith into Real Life: Religious people know the TRUTH, but spiritual people DO it. God meant your spiritual life to drive and direct all other aspects of your life: relational, financial, sexual, job concerns, and everything else that comprises life. Too often, sincerely believing folks may read their Bibles and faithfully attend church, but at the same time, have great conflicts bringing their spiritual values into all of their existence. This problem occurs in 2 basic forms in the dating world: difficulties in bringing up faith matters, and difficulties in living the life.

• Difficulties in Bringing Up Faith Matters: You might not meet your date at church, and therefore (even if you do meet them at church), you may not know much about a person's faith as you evaluate them. It is important to address issues of faith pretty soon. Sometimes it is awkward.. but remember the underlying reality of dating: you are ultimately trying to find and be a good marriage partner. You want that person to know and share your relationship with God, because that is the most important part of who you are, and hopefully, who he is.
• Difficulties in Living the Life: Many folks talk about their faith with each other, and support each other spiritually. Yet they have areas in their dating life where they don't "walk the talk". They exhibit a chronic pattern of weakness or struggle that doesn't seem to resolve itself over time. It may be sex, deception, immature ways of conflict resolution, or control issues. Whatever it is, their spiritual life has not transformed their character, as it should. There is a painful split between what they believe and what they are practicing.

This split is often not the product of a lack of commitment to God, but more to do with their inability to integrate their needs and life into God's ways of meeting needs. Sexual acting out may be a shortcut to intimacy or other needs.

You want to be dating someone who is not only of the faith, but is aware of his weaknesses and issues, and is in the process of working things out, whether it be in accountability groups, support groups, or counseling. A lifetime of marriage to a person with a character issue that has never been addressed can be very painful.

If you notice inconsistency in him or how the relationship is going, bring it up. If he is a goodhearted person, he will probably be grateful that you took a risk, and you both can work on resolving it. Don't Demand perfection in him or yourself. Instead require righteousness. A righteous person stays connected to God, his source. But when he slips and falls, he will take correction well and will reconnect himself back to God.

An Active Role in Each Other's Growth: You need to matter to each other on a spiritual level. You need to be part of each other's growth and conduct. Take the stance that during your tenure as dates, you both will grow spiritually.

Input and Feedback - As your relationship grows, so should your awareness of each other's struggles and needs. Your date may know or see things in you that others do not see. In the more committed stages of the connection, you need to give each other permission to confront, give input, and encourage on spiritual levels. If your date is resistant to spiritual feedback, something is amiss.

Give It Time - In general, it is a good idea to let some time and experiences pass between you before confronting a great deal. Be "quick to listen, slow to speak" (James 1:19). Just because something happens once does not mean it is a pattern.. it could be an isolated event. Or you may need to let time pass for enough grace to build between you so that you won't be seen as a condemning judge. Remember that we all need grace before we hear truth.

Don't Be a Parent - Avoid the tendency to take the role of spiritual responsibility for your date. Don't set up the relationship so that he is performing and growing under your tutelage, because children have one job, and that is to LEAVE their parents. Leave the discipling to someone else.

Comfort and Challenge - Good relationships involve not only feedback, but enough permission to comfort each other's hurts and challenge each other's failings. Make sure you are *both* doing both.

Spiritual Compatibility

• The Design Issue - The easy part is that God has designed you for intimacy with himself and others. We can trust that this is part of our makeup. It also means that the deepest part of you is made to desire spiritual intimacy with another person. If that part of you is working properly, you will seek out healthy spirituality in others. Ultimately, you will be interested in and drawn to others who share your spiritual life. If something is broken inside, you will tend to find yourself drawn to unhealthy or absent spirituality. So at this level, spiritual compatibility is a diagnostic issue of our own spiritual health. However there are other considerations.
• Spiritual Development Path - You are not who you were, or who you will be. As you mature, your attitudes, values, and habits change. Sometimes people fall in love during a particular period of spiritual growth for one or both. Things go well as long as both are in the same period. However, if one of them goes through major changes there is a great deal of conflict and adjustment (like my parents when my mother and I left the catholic church - H) It is unrealistic to require that you and your dates all be full-grown, as everyone will continue to change. But we would be concerned if you or your date had never had a spiritually questioning period of some sort. Questioning is how people truly "own" their faith, instead of piggybacking on the faith of their parents. At the *same time* it is important that both you and your date have resolved the major tenets of your quest. DO NOT GET SERIOUS if your date is still up in the air about the content and meaning of his Christianity. At a time of spiritual questioning you can be supportive and helpful, giving room to grow, but do not make major commitments.
• Areas of Belief and Practice - As you get to know your date spiritually, you will need to decide what areas of belief and practice are disagreements you can live with, and those you can't. You need to know the tenets of Christianity yourself, and deal with these with your date as you become closer.

Differences in Spiritual Level

• Christian and Non-Christian - Christians need to be very involved in the real world as agent's of God's love. (being salt and light). At the same time, the deepest and most significant part of you needs to find a home in the heart of the most important human relationship in your life. Because of this, we believe that Christians should not be in serious dating relationships with Non-Christians. -- That is not to say that you should not have non-Christian friends of the opposite sex. Many enriching relationships can occur here, and non-Christians need to know that there are believing men and women who can treat them in respectful "brother-sister" ways. However, we believe it is best to reserve your romantic interests for those of the same faith. Romantic desire can cloud even the best judgment, and can unknowingly exploit our own character weaknesses. **SO, connect your romantic parts to good-hearted believers in your faith, so that when you truly fall in love, that aspect won't be an issue.
• Committed and uncommitted - Many people who are serious about their faith wonder about dating Christians who are only peripherally involved in their spiritual life, but how can you tell if someone is truly uncommitted to their faith? Sometimes our own judgementalism or perfectionism can make "different" seem "bad." The person may not seem to be on the same track, but he may have a much deeper track that you can't see because of your own issues. Do not assume, that just because he doesn't know the bible as well as you that he does not love God as much as you? Sometimes people *seem* less committed because they have sustained loss, overwhelming stress, or failure in life. Though ideally we should become closer to God in these times, sometimes we withdraw. If this is the case, support him in his struggle, and help him resolve it, but put serious commitment on the back burner until things play themselves out. If it becomes clear over time that he is uncommitted, it is probably better to part ways.
• Mature and New - Suppose you are both pretty serious about your faith, but one has been in the growth process longer than another. If you are a new Christian (say less than a year in the faith), get involved in the spiritual growth process and become stable in your faith as you continue your relationship. The object is to grow on your own spiritually, so that your faith is not dependent on your partner's. If you are a more mature believer, it is again good to wait until the new Christian's faith has solidified before making deeper commitments. This keeps you out of the parent role and lets your date take more ownership over his growth process. Don't go by time alone. Observe the spiritual issues. Don't assume that just because someone has been around for a while, that they are mature. At the same time, the younger believer still needs time to develop and mature. Ultimately, it is best to date those who are at about the same maturity level as you are. Be sure to scrutinize yourself harder than you are your date (James 4:6). And make sure that both of you are more interested in pursuing God and growth than you are in being at the same level! It is truly more important to be engaged in the process that it is to be constantly jockeying for position. Also, make sure that what you see as a maturity difference isn't just a stylistic difference. Remember that God cares more about our hearts than our religious traditions. Look at whether the person loves, is truthful, lives in reality, and functions as an adult. Often a person who functions well in the real world has a better adjusted spiritual life than someone who has a lot of head knowledge but can't function as well.

WOW... That was a lot!!

Boundaries Chapter 2.. WOW

Chapter 2 Require and Embody Truth

Character Disorder - People who do not take ownership and responsibility for their lives.

Wow, page 35 says this:
As soon as there is any kind of deception, stop everything. If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way there is NO relationship. The whole thing is a FARCE, and you should not go any further in trying to help the person until you settle the issue of deception. There are NO other issues at that point except one. Trust is everything in a helping relationship, and when it is broken, it becomes the only issue to work on. Either fix that or end the relationship. Where there is deception there is no relationship.
Truthfulness is everything.

Lying and deception are just as destructive no matter what topic someone is lying about. The REAL problem is that when you are with someone who is deceptive you never know what reality is. You are not standing on firm ground, and the ground can shift at any moment. It makes you question EVERYTHING.

It is one thing to have loved and lost. It is another thing to have loved and been lied to.. (this has happened to me TOO Many times.. not just in romantic relationships.. but in everyday relationships.)

Everything written above has been helpful for me.. but not just on a dating level... it's important to realize those things for EVERY relationship.. or should I say LACK of relationship when the dishonesty is present.

____________________

There is nothing wrong with dating someone, enjoying their company, and finding out where a relationship is going to go. (that's normal) But as soon as someone is sure that dating is not going where another person thinks or hopes that it is, that person has a responsibility to tell the other one clearly and honestly.

Deception About Being Friends:
There are those who are deceptive about their true intentions while they are acting like a friend. These are people who have a secret crush and do all sorts of things for someone. Oftentimes they go way out of their way to help or minister to someone, but all along the way, they have ulterior motives. Then when the "target" does not return the affection, they feel hurt and act like a victim, as if the target had done something horrible. All along the way, the target thought that they were "just friends."

There is nothing wrong with being friends and getting to know another person to see what kind of relationship you are going to have. Sometimes relationships that begin as friendships turn into more and are some of the best long-term relationships. But that is different than having clear designs on someone and deceiving them long-term while you have another agenda.

Certainly you don't have to lay all your cards on the table, but don't act like a friend that you are not. The best way to tell is to ask yourself, "What will happen if this does not end like I desire?" If you can honestly say that you will be very happy continuing to be friends and will love the person as a friend, then you are being honest. If you say, "if they do not want me back like I want them, I do not care about being 'friends' at all," then your friendship is a scam.

Deception About Who You Are:
It's important to remember that you will have a good relationship to the degree that you are able to be clear and honest about everything.

*That does not mean that you cannot die to your own wishes to please someone else. But it does mean that you are not afraid to be yourself. Otherwise, the person will think you are different than you are, and there will be trouble later. In addition, compliant people have a habit of attracting controlling, self-centered people anyway. So, be honest, have some differences, and enjoy the trip.

Deception About Facts:
There are people who tell lies about reality itself. When you catch someone [you are dating] in any kind of like, see that as a character issue that you should take as a very solemn warning. Lying about reality places your relationship on a very shaky foundation.

Deception About Hurt and Conflict:
One of the most important things that you can do in a dating relationship that is getting anywhere near serious is to be honest about hurt and conflict. If you are dating someone, and there is a problem in some way that he or she has treated you or some hurt that you have suffered, you must be honest.

1. Being honest resolves the hurt or conflict.
2. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a real, long-term, satisfactory relationship is possible.

If you are hurt in some way, bring it up. If you don't you are building a relationship on a false sense of security and closeness, and it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. A lot is lost in not finding out who the other person is and where the relationship could really go , if one or both people are not facing hurt and conflict directly. In reality, a conflict-free relationship is probably a shallow relationship.

Second, you need to find out if the person you are with is capable of dealing with conflict and hurt directly. The Bible and all relationship research is very clear on this issue: people who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work. You must find out NOW, before it's too late, if the person you are with is someone you can talk to.

Honesty over hurt and conflict creates intimacy, and it also divides people into the wise and the foolish. What the person you are dating does you can not control. But you *can* decide what kind of person you are going to be, and as a result, you will also be deciding what kind of person you are going to be with.

Two Types of Liars:

1. Liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflicts or loss of love and other fears. (They are the ones who lie when it would be a lot easier to tell the truth. They want to be honest, but for one reason or another, can't quite pull it off. They fear the other person's anger or loss of love.) They are not really dangerous, evil characters, and sometimes when they find someone safe, they learn to tell the truth.
2. Liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. (There is no fear or defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.)

Just because a person is lying out of fear (Type 1) does not make it acceptable, and serious devastation can occur even with fearful liars. No matter what the reason, lying destroys. By and large, the best policy is to stay away from those who lie for any reason. It is often to risky to get involved with even the fearful liar. If the person gets better (through counseling, recovery, discipleship etc), and comes back repentant, that is one thing, but you should NOT think that you are going to be the one who changes him or her if defensive lying is an ongoing pattern. Do NOT go on to other issues until the lying is solved.

RUN RUN RUN from Type 2 Liars.

Truth: The Essential Boundary:

You should have an ABSOLUTE Zero-Tolerance policy when it comes to deception. Lying should have NO PLACE in your life. King David's tough stance on lying: "No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence" (Psalm 101:7).

DO NOT TOLERATE LYING, PERIOD. That does not mean that if you are lied to once or deceived once that the relationship has to be over. Probably every human being is growing in his or her ability to be direct and completely vulnerable with feelings and deeper things of the heart. People grow in that ability, and sometimes a dating relationship is one of the places where that happens. But don't tolerate deception or lying when it happens. If your partner is not clear about feelings, thoughts or some other indirect communication, demand it. Don't let it go. Make a rule, "I have to be with someone who is honest with me about what they are thinking and feeling."

The other areas are more dangerous, however. If you are two-timed, lied to about facts, with a substance abuser in denial, or otherwise deceived, we caution you about going forward. You need to be very careful and have a very good reason for continuing on. Many times lying like this is indicative of a serious character problem that does not change without major hurt for many people along the way. You do not want to be one of those.

If someone goes through a deep spiritual conversion, and sustains it for a significant amount of time, then you might consider trusting again. But remember, lying is one of the most dangerous of all character problems, and without a significant reason for you to believe that change has happened, you are asking for trouble. Do not tolerate it.

If you are lied to:

1. Confront it
2. Hear the response & see how much ownership & sorrow there is for the lying.
3. Try to figure out what the lying means in the relationship. If the person is afraid, guilty, or fears loss of love by you, then work on that dynamic and try to determine if the character issue is changing with more safety. But be careful.
4. Look at the level of repentance and change. How significantly is the person pursing holiness and purity? How internally motivated is he or she to get better?
5. Is the change being sustained? Make sure you give it enough time. Just hearing "I'm sorry" is not good enough.
6. Look a the kind of lying it was. Was it to protect himself, or just to serve selfish ends? If it is the latter, face reality squarely that you are with a person who loves himself more than the truth and face what that means. If the former, think long and hard and have a good reason to continue.

Be a person of the light, and people of the light will be drawn to you, and people of the darkness will not be able to tolerate the truth you embody. If you are an honest person, you will more likely end up with an honest person. If you deceive yourself or others, deceivers will be drawn to you. Be light and attract light. That is the best boundary of all.

Boundaries

I am going to keep my notes on the book "Making Dating Work Boundaries In Dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend here (I write a lot of the stuff down.. verbatim out of the book.. so these are their words):

Chapter 1 Why Boundaries In Dating:
Many of the struggles people experience in dating relationships are, at heart, caused by some problem in the areas of freedom and responsibility.

FREEDOM: ability to make choices based on your values rather than choosing out of fear or guilt.

• Free people make commitments because they feel it's the right thing to do, and they are wholehearted about it.

RESPONSIBILITY: ability to execute your tasks in keeping the relationship healthy and loving, as well as being able to say no to things you shouldn't be responsible for.

• Responsible people shoulder their part of the dating relationship, but they don't tolerate harmful or inappropriate behavior.

Freedom and responsibility are necessary for love to develop in dating. Freedom and responsibility create a safe and secure environment for a couple to love, trust, explore, and deepen their experience of each other. Actually, these two elements are necessary for ANY successful relationship, not just dating.

• God designed love so that there can be no fear (loss of freedom) in love, for perfect love casts out fear (I John 4:18). We are to speak the truth in love to each other (Ephesians 4:15), taking responsibility to protect love by confronting problems.

Establishing & keeping good limits can do a great deal to not only cure a bad relationship, but make a good one better.

BOUNDARY: simply put, a boundary is a property line. A personal boundary distinguishes what is your emotional or personal property, and what belongs to someone else. You can't see your own boundary. However, you can tell it is there when someone crosses it. When another person tries to control you, tries to get too close to you, or asks you to do something you don't think is right, you should feel some sense of protest. Your boundary has been crossed.

Boundaries serve two important functions:

1. The DEFINE us. They show what we are and are not; what we agree and disagree with; what we love and hate. Dating goes much better when your boundaries are defined. When you are clear about your values, preferences, and morals, you solve many problems before they start.
2. The PROTECT us. They keep good things in, and bad things out. When we don't have clear limits, we can expose ourselves to unhealthy and destructive influences and people. Boundaries protect by letting others know what you will and will not tolerate.

Examples of Boundaries:

• Words: telling someone no and being honest about your disagreement
• The truth: bringing reality to a problem
• Distance: allowing time or physical space between two people to protect or as a consequence for irresponsible behavior.
• Other people: using supportive friends to help keep a limit
  

Sometimes you will use these boundaries to simply let your date know your heart: "I am sensitive and wanted you to know that, so that we can be aware that I might get hurt easily." At other times, you may need to use boundaries to confront a problem and protect yourself or the relationship: "I will not go as far as you want sexually, and if you continue pushing, I will not see you again." Either way, boundaries give you freedom and choices.

Boundaries protect your property, and in dating, your property is your own soul. Here are some of the contents of your self that boundaries define and protect:

• Your love: your deepest capacity to connect and trust
• Your emotions: your need to own your feelings and not be controlled by someone else's feelings
• Your values: your need to have your life reflect what you care about most deeply
• Your behaviors: your control over how you act in your dating relationship
• Your attitude: your stances and opinions about yourself and your date

You and only you are responsible for what is inside your boundaries. If someone else is controlling your love, emotions, or values, they are not the problem. Your inability to set limits on their control is the problem. Boundaries are the key to keeping your very soul safe, protected and growing.

*Just remember that you are not being mean when you say no. Instead you may be saving yourself or even the relationship from harm.

How Boundary Problems Show Themselves:

• Loss of Freedom to be Oneself - Sometimes one person will give up her identity & lifestyle to keep a relationship together. Then, when her true feelings emerge, the other person doesn't like who she really is, having never been exposed to her real self.
• Being with the Wrong Person - When our boundaries are unclear or undeveloped, we run the risk of allowing people inside who shouldn't be there.
• Dating from Inner Hurt Rather than Our Values - People with poor boundaries have some soul-work to do, and they unknowingly attempt to work it out in dating. Instead of picking people because of their values, they react to their inner struggles and choose in some devastating ways.
• Not Dating - Boundary conflicts, when people withdraw to avoid hurt and risk, and end up empty-handed.
• Doing Too Much in the Relationship - Many people with boundary problems overstep their bounds and don't know when to stop giving of themselves. They will put their lives and hearts on hold for someone, only to find out that the other person was willing to take all that but never really wanted to deeply commit. Good boundaries help you to know how much to give, and when to stop giving.
• Freedom Without Responsibility - Freedom MUST always be accompanied by responsibility. When one person enjoys the freedom of dating, and takes on responsibility for himself, problems occur. Having His Cake and Eating it Too.
• Control Issues - More often than not, one person wants to get serious sooner than another. Sometimes, the more serious person attempts to rein in the other person by manipulation, guilt, domination, and intimidation. Love becomes secondary and control becomes primary.
• Not Taking Responsibility to Say No - "the nice guy" who allows disrespect and poor treatment by his date.. minimizes the reality that he is being mistreated, or simply hopes that one day she will stop. He disowns his responsibility to set a limit on bad things happening to him.
• Sexual Impropriety - Couples often avoid keeping appropriate physical limits. They either avoid taking responsibility for the issue or one person is the only one with the "brakes", or they ignore the deeper issues that are driving the activity.

April Fools...

Hmm, actually so far, no one has played any tricks on me.. not that i am complaining. :) Today is my friend Katy's 38th birthday. Happy Birthday Katy. :)

Today has been a "curious" day. Lots of strange stuff going on, in fact the entire week has been strange. Today, lots of mental/emotional processing. I took a step and called a new friend today, in hopes that he may be able to help someone else who has a very special place in my heart. I pray that this is one of the things that the Lord wanted to come out of meeting this new friend.

Lord.. since I know you are listening, please work this situation for good.. I really am trying to help and don't want to offend the person on my heart. I ask that you take this matter into your hands and guide my steps and thoughts as I continue in relationship with not only these people, but people in general. I ask you to mold me and guide me, and I thank you for the work you have been doing in my life. In Jesus' precious name. AMEN.